paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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