im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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