woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
