I CAN MOONWALK!
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
