This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
