I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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