Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
