My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
