my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
