i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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