The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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