yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
