I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
if only i could text you this smell
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
