Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I could make wine with my vomit
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Randomize
