I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
