In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
