She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
4 words: hood of his car
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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