She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
