So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
