My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
