gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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