my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
