I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
