I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
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