i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
