Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
