ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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