My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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