yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
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