guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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