My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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