I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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