i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
