I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
