I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
