I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
