I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
as a side note pls kill me
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