I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
