I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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