Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
