I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
