I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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