She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I want her autograph on my taint
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
