Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
