you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
