Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize