turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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