Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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