Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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