I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Every concussion has its silver lining
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize