so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Randomize