He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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