capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Randomize
