Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
