I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
