is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Randomize
